I’m beginning to realize(and it’s almost embarassing to say) that I may be living in a state of contentment. This isn’t something that is inherently wrong, just I’ve always tried to keep the thought that where I am, will never be where I want to be. As a way to ensure myself that I’ll push on to the next destination. A mediphorical destination. So, I don’t mean as an actually location, but more like it’s the next milestone in my life. I came to this realization while walking from my desk to refill my cup of water. Walking by several of my co-workers and holding the door for one as they increased their pace behind me to get through the door before it closed. I wonder how many office workers have epiphanies on the job. Probably tons.
The last person I was really impressed with was a classmate about a year ago. He created small video games and there was one that I know of where he entered it into an indie game jam competition. Though he didn’t nesecarily win anything, it was still something that I had a deep interest in. It was impressive that he managed to do that while also working on his own computer language that was derived from Python. Actually I’m not even sure what he did, but someone mentioned he was creating his own computer language and it was the longest time I ever held the people’s eyebrow.
I’ve only completed one full game, but I never let anyone play it. The friends I was surrounding myself at the time weren’t the most encouraging bunch. When I did show them something small I was working on they didn’t really seem interested or maybe just a lack of how serious it was to me didn’t dawn on all of them. Instead of offerring legit critism about it and telling me where it failed and where it succeded, it just became a joke for the room and it was overlooked. Out of those five guys there is only one that I talk to on a consistant basis.
I know what it means to be inspired by others, but it’s something that rarely happens to me. It isn’t possible to call on inspiration, it calls on you. Usually it’s a spark of some sort that happens out a tangent thought I have, but it’s no real way to control when it happens. Forcing it makes whatever idea I come up with sound mediocre. There was a tech event I went to about two years back that really had me in the mood to do something, to create. It was strange, because I didn’t even have a clear plan of what I wanted to create. I harnassed that energy up until I made it back home that day and when I sat down at my desk I improved old ideas and came up with a few new ones for video games that I wanted to make. Eventually this rush to do things ran dry. It was obvious that this feeling of just ‘doing something’ came from being around others that were doing something. It was the first time I had ever experienced that and I’ve let myself fall back into the idea that it’s ok to not be inspired by others and just rely on myself to be inspired.
That’s not to say I blame my surroundings for my lack of effort. It’s entirely up to me if I want to actually do something worthwhile with my time. However, becoming satisfied with keeping the same people around you who don’t motivate you is counter-productive. Also is trying to make people around you do something who obviously don’t want to.
This was the hand I was dealt. But I also cheat at card games.