Bud, my Bud

“That is the question.”

How many tears does it take to rewind time? To revisit an episode of my life? Never has something been so close to home. Like a necklace that has carved it’s way through my flesh. Every thought of it, making the grip tighter around my neck. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve shaken my head in disbelief. Painting different pictures in my head of your final moments. Like the way you painted your chambers in red. The way you use to paint miracles on a canvas. Out of clay. Out of pixels. Out of smiles. I never seen you lash out at anyone. Maybe you kept those thoughts inside of you in a way to keep those around you calm. Your body danced in circles while your mind twisted itself into submission. Twisted and burnt flesh caused twisted and crying faces. I wish I would have went to that movie with you. I never asked you what was going on. Never gave myself a way to chime in on your life, I just observed what was going on with you. I figured you more resilient, but nothing is unbreakable. Even until the end you still fucking made me laugh. The last time you said bye to me on the phone. A day before you matched your mental ache with that of a physical one. We were suppose to play more video games together. I was suppose to see you rise out of your slump and start putting that talent to work again. We were suppose to hangout at my apartment. So much I’ve put on hold without a real reason. Though I am not a selfish person, I can be selfish with my time. That’s my grand realization from all this. You can’t replace someone who is great, but you can replace the way you view life with a bit of their outlook. You lawful good and I chaotic neutral. I’d make fun of you for being so willing to do good things that would go unnoticed, but you smiled and shurged. You did that a lot. I’ll miss standing outside smoking cigarettes with you. You were the only person I smoked cigarettes with when I wasn’t drinking. Common ground.

No one ever really dies.
The memories we have of you will keep you alive.

2 thoughts on “Bud, my Bud

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