Last night, one of my worst fears was realized.
That I would meet someone in a such a way. With such a great outlook on life that mirrored my own. Someone who was making me feel in a such a way. It’s been so long since my heart fluttered at the thought of spending time with someone else. Long as it been since the colors of the world began to be brighter. You at the center of this feeling and me. A planet caught in your gravitational pull. Slowly spiraling towards you. I miss this feeling. So much that tears form in my eyes if I let my mind wander on it for too long. I’ve always been one to deal in absolutes when it came to human interaction and in that moment; I was absolutely sure that there was something there. You felt it. The way you looked at me confirmed that you felt it. The way you leaned your head on my shoulder, the way you held my hand, and the way you held my attention. Beautiful, the way you carry yourself. Free of worry, but full of concern for others. It hasn’t even been a week yet and you have me smitten. It feels good. It feels like someone opened up a window on a cool night. It feels like that first bite of fruit. It feels like that rush you feel before jumping off of a swing set. All of these feelings are mirrored. You said so yourself.
And yet I am concerned.
I am concerned that even though we both feel a spark; A light. That it won’t be enough. It won’t be enough for us have dinner dates several times a month. It won’t be enough for me to have the chance to learn what your favorite things are and what makes me laugh when no ones around. I feel like I can write the first chapter of a novel after only spending time with you on three different occasions. Yet, that won’t be enough. It hurts to think about it, it hurts to imagine that something as such could be the reason for us to stare at each other without words. Both of us wanting something that just might be too far out of our reach. I understand. I have to understand. I could see the disappointment in your eyes. Your voice wasn’t as cheerful as it once was. You stared at me as I told you. I tried to explain it in a way that made since. In a way that would stop that disconnect from happening, but there’s no way around the truth. We both don’t agree on the human origin story, and because of that. Because of that difference, everything we both was feeling has been put into question. You sitting there holding my hand. I could feel that you didn’t want to pull away, but your face shown that you might have to. You feel as if it couldn’t work. I can see the obstacles. The challenges, the long conversations. I don’t want to miss out on a chance to be happy, but I have to be understanding in all of this. The whole idea for it to work is being understanding, but maybe that’s not enough. My google history is filled with searches on the matter. It disappointments me. Not what you believe in, but that fact that because we don’t believe in the same thing. We can’t see what’s there. See what can happen. It’s just one of those things I suppose. That “Us” could have been one of the best love stories ever told.