Nostalgia hit me today.
I compiled a to-do list for the day like I always do. Today I planned to purge my Facebook of all the pictures from when I use to party every weekend with friends. Some of who are still around and others that have moved on with their lives.
I stumbled onto old photos of me and an ex.
You know, ‘the ex.’
The one that put you on that spiral downward; like the water running down the kitchen sink. The water you used to wash the coffee mug that she gave you as a gift on a random day.
I decided to look back at old memories. Scrapping the walls of the hollow parts of my heart that will lay dormant for the rest of my life. The spaces that she used to occupy. A start up that didn’t generate enough revenue to stay afloat so now it’s just an abandoned overpriced office space that no one will be able to afford.
Videos of music festivals, nightly strolls, and fun campus events from the college that we both attended.
The video that told me to call it quits was a video of her standing at a bar bobbing her head to live music. And just when I was about to stop recording she looks at me. Not at the camera on the phone that’s recording her, but at me. And a smile stretches itself across her face. Her eyes squinting from the weight of her happiness. And in that moment as I look at the video I smile back at her. Wishing I could reach through the screen and tell her how sorry I was for not listening hard enough. How sorry I was for not placing myself in her shoes when all she needed me to do was digest every syllable that left her lips that night she cried to me in the car.
I didn’t delete the video. Not yet. Maybe the next time I try to purge the mistakes from my life I’ll have the guts to.