Are You Sure You Want To Delete This File?

Are You Sure You Want To Delete This File?

Nostalgia hit me today.


I compiled a to-do list for the day like I always do. Today I planned to purge my Facebook of all the pictures from when I use to party every weekend with friends. Some of who are still around and others that have moved on with their lives.

I stumbled onto old photos of me and an ex.

You know, ‘the ex.’

The one that put you on that spiral downward; like the water running down the kitchen sink. The water you used to wash the coffee mug that she gave you as a gift on a random day.

I decided to look back at old memories. Scrapping the walls of the hollow parts of my heart that will lay dormant for the rest of my life. The spaces that she used to occupy. A start up that didn’t generate enough revenue to stay afloat so now it’s just an abandoned overpriced office space that no one will be able to afford.

Videos of music festivals, nightly strolls, and fun campus events from the college that we both attended.

The video that told me to call it quits was a video of her standing at a bar bobbing her head to live music. And just when I was about to stop recording she looks at me. Not at the camera on the phone that’s recording her, but at me. And a smile stretches itself across her face. Her eyes squinting from the weight of her happiness. And in that moment as I look at the video I smile back at her. Wishing I could reach through the screen and tell her how sorry I was for not listening hard enough. How sorry I was for not placing myself​ in her shoes when all she needed me to do was digest every syllable that left her lips that night she cried to me in the car.


I didn’t delete the video. Not yet. Maybe the next time I try to purge the mistakes from my life I’ll have the guts to.

Beacon

Beacon

In a misguided attempt to fly without wings he fell to his doom. Living his life based on the opinion of his peers. He made no room for himself inside his soul. Shoving and constricting. Twisting and bending to fit into the iron box that was constructed by people who didn’t even know his last name. In the day time he played video games and read research about evolution while listening to Herbie Hancock.

At night he roamed the streets while kicking over trashcans filled with his parent’s expectations. Wondering in his mind if they too, were misguided. Howling at the moon like a crazed wolf. Waking up in places unfamiliar. Next to warm bodies that held onto him like he was the last breath that they would ever need. Holding him down like vines over abandoned concrete. His soul waiting on the street sweeper to cleanse the debris.

He laid there; In a catatonic state, wondering.

“Why doesn’t anyone rescue me?”

He is use to being the one that people retreat to.

When the front line is being bombarded by arrows. When the spears strike from a distance that doesn’t allow retaliation.

He stands with his arms extended toward the chaos-

not expecting for anyone to save him.

Her: Fade

Her: Fade

Every time you spoke my heart grew softer.
I sat in close proximity to you.
Pretending like the wounds you caused had healed.
Like I didn’t lay awake at night picking at the scabs left by your venom.
The night went on and I smiled through the plexiglass.
Glancing over towards you hoping that we would make eye contact and that you would mouth the words telling me you were sorry.
Instead I jumped through flaming hoops with absolute precision.
Laughed and conversed more than I usually do so you wouldn’t see how much your presence affected me.


For a moment I suggested to myself that I would ask if we could talk outside.
The embarrassment I already felt from how distant we were crippled any intiative that I had.
So I sat there; eating, talking, and laughing like my world hadn’t turned grey when I heard your name uttered when you arrived.
I should have left when you got there.
Made an excuse to leave.
But I stayed, wanting to speak with you again like we use to.
Felt an ache that I hadn’t felt in a long time.
Lightning stretched itself across the left side of my ribcage when you left.
And then all the pressure I felt faded away.
Just as you did.

Mint Julep

Mint Julep

I wonder if I’ll find love here.
The women are either already involved.
Think religion is their only salvation.
Or they’re just not into me. And they think me weird.

Should I suffocate my desire for love until the flame of my passion expires?
Or admire every woman that catches my eye from a far.
Let me examine myself through the Hubble telescope because a mirror doesn’t show enough detail.
I don’t think self examination will show exactly what other’s see when they see me.
The swelling grey nimbus causes me to be oblivious to the short comings that are obvious through the binoculars of those that I’m attracted to.
Often times I cater to the empty husk of someone who already gave their love away to someone undeserving.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the property on the monopoly board that no one wants to buy.
However.
There will come a time when someone will step into my life and realize that I am Park Place, Boardwalk, and all four of the railroads in one.
My experiences have taught me patience.
There is no perfect life partner, but I do believe harmony can be obtained through effort.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s my belief in what it means to be a black male.
I can defend you; With the resilience of armor forged in Mount Doom of Mordor.
I also have no shame in shedding the layers of my soul to you when it feels like the Earth’s gravity has been multiplied by 100.
There will be times when I need you to be my Senzu Bean.
And if there ever came a time when we both were in bad shape, believe that I would break my last one in half for you.
I spoke with an older couple one night and they looked as if they were still in the honeymoon phase.
They both offered the same advice when I commented on how refreshing it was to see them enjoying each other’s company over drinks.
They both gave the same advice as I was sipping my mint julep through the cold ice cubes.
‘never settle.’

Mononoke: Fear of Beauty

Mononoke: Fear of Beauty

I met a nine-tailed fox last night. It’s fur glowing through the forest and the cracks of my curiosity. It’s eyes wide; piercing. Examining my intentions as it circled around me. I entered a low stance with my right hand on the hilt of my dagger. My left palm facing the fox. It slowing walked closer, lowering it’s tails. I watch as leaves on the ground around it turned to the color of autumn. As it placed it’s nose to my palm I gripped my dagger tighter. I felt it breathe in calmly. It’s breath matching mine. My defense melted away as I stood up; releasing my hand from my dagger. The creature turned and ran away into the forest.

2014
I look up from my phone in the direction where the remark came from followed by laughter. It’s too dark to tell so I look back at my phone. Being obtuse never got anyone anywhere, but it’s the safest way to stand on a soapbox without the risk of falling. A picture of Muhammad Ali appears on my Instagram timeline. A smile chiseled itself into the corners of my mouth. The night faded into the sky like a napkin soaking up dark blue paint. That same moldy smell sailed across my nostrils as I made my way to the bar I frequent. It had been awhile since I roamed the streets alone; Walking at a pace like I had somewhere to be. It was a ruse. Another weekend where I try my chances at meeting someone. I’m sure the chances had probably increased since they opened up that new shopping mall. The more I thought about it, the more I realized the kind of women I was interested in probably mainly shopped online. In between their video games matches they would order a summer dress and a pair of shoes that sat in their wish list.
Our Kingdoms United

We waited for the moon to rise for our hearts to collide.
Down the stairs we ran as the clock struck twelve.
Holding hands as we began our romance saga.

Our Romance Saga

The battle of the three kingdoms.
Yours, mine, and one that we would build together.

Both our armies stood at each other’s frontline.
Awaiting a signal flare so that we would know to lower our weapons and no longer look at each other as enemies.
I approched your throne in red and gold armor with a dragon crest that rested on the left side of my chest.
You stood up and your gown made of chainmail rattled as it made contact with the floor.
My hand extended; I guided you down the stairs of your annointed chair and in my arms I took you.
I took your heart, your suffering, your dreams, and your body into mine.
As my desires melted into magma and your dreams began to crystalize; Both of our intangible wills surrounded the love that we had for each other.
In that moment we both could fathom what a life together would mean.
The idea that we could inspire those around us to love harder and forgive easier.
Instill that same love into our children so that they too may know what it is to grow in love so rapidly.
That it would only be matched by the expansion of the universe that our love would dwell in.

Our Kingdoms United