Trying to awake from slumber.
Tied down by chains painted in gold.
Gold teeth dig into the roof of my mouth.
Making it hard to speak.
I leave a nightmare where we requested a dream.
Swimming endlessly into the oblivion that my strength has created.
I am stronger than my peers, but they have all the power.
Wasting the atoms that the stars gave me to impress my brothers.
I am in need of guidance.
My son’s doom is painted by my mistakes.
I miss her.
And I hate that I do.
The crevices of my intellect rust over without her.
I am nocturnal in a time when the sun never sets.
Unable to reflect because every decision is made anew.
The blueprint is hard to understand without the architect.
I wish she would just call me randomly at an obscure time.
When I’m reading just before leaving work.
Learning about how to better my life.
I wish she would just call me.
I want to say hello to her once more.
I want to greet her one more time.
I sit alone on this throne.
As the poison exhales through my pores.
Thinking about an ancient time when I could hear my heartbeat.
I use to text her poetry.
When we were in love.
And when love seemed absent.
Poetry is what I would send her.
Maybe I should have sent myself in every text.
In every text that I felt to send.
Maybe I should have sent myself.
Started my car and drove to where she was.
I often wonder if she doubted my devotion.
If she doubted that I felt for her the way I did.
If I felt like the rings of Saturn only remained in place because of her.
My best memories of my life include her.
Did my parents fail in sheltering me from harsh truths that I could not yet fathom?
Or was she simply more than I could bare.
I want another.
I waited for the river to reach me.
I stood there with my toes clutching at the earth.
Burying my roots into the ground.
Waiting to be watered.
The sun glaring, burning as the coils of my hair extended to the blue sky.
My skin pulsed with blood as the wind juked around the trees that surrounded me.
My breath ebbed and flowed from my soul to my lungs.
My body was it’s own organ.
A cell that belonged to a colossus of unimaginable scale.
Yet the simplicity of life is found in quiet.
Loud silences that echoed underneath my shades.
Traversing my gold plated bones.
I am a fan buying a woman gifts.
Connecting the dots
As I shop for myself with the person I spend moments with.
Locating the rift
In our personal wardrobes.
Remembering conversations where I was told.
Her favorite type of clothes.
Careful calculations as I offer suggestions to complete the equation on what it is they desire.
Cropped photos of sweaters of different shades waiting for her to give me the OK.
The way her face grins as she steps into the sundress that I suggest.
I know what she likes.
If I would get it wrong she would send me quickly back to the drawing board.
Here I am
Figuring her out
One garment at a time.
In a misguided attempt to fly without wings he fell to his doom.
Living his life based on the opinion of his peers. He made no room for himself inside his soul. Shoving and constricting. Twisting and bending to fit into the iron box that was constructed by people who didn’t even know his last name. In the day time he played video games and read research about evolution while listening to Herbie Hancock.
At night he roamed the streets while kicking over trashcans filled with his parent’s expectations. Wondering in his mind if they too, were misguided. Howling at the moon like a crazed wolf. Waking up in places unfamiliar. Next to warm bodies that held onto him like he was the last breath that they would ever need. Holding him down like vines over abandoned concrete. His soul waiting on the street sweeper to cleanse the debris.
He laid there; In a catatonic state, wondering.
“Why doesn’t anyone rescue me?”
He is use to being the one that people retreat to.
When the front line is being bombarded by arrows. When the spears strike from a distance that doesn’t allow retaliation.
He stands with his arms extended toward the chaos-
not expecting for anyone to save him.
Every time you spoke my heart grew softer.
I sat in close proximity to you.
Pretending like the wounds you caused had healed.
Like I didn’t lay awake at night picking at the scabs left by your venom.
The night went on and I smiled through the plexiglass.
Glancing over towards you hoping that we would make eye contact and that you would mouth the words telling me you were sorry.
Instead I jumped through flaming hoops with absolute precision.
Laughed and conversed more than I usually do so you wouldn’t see how much your presence affected me.
For a moment I suggested to myself that I would ask if we could talk outside.
The embarrassment I already felt from how distant we were crippled any intiative that I had.
So I sat there; eating, talking, and laughing like my world hadn’t turned grey when I heard your name uttered when you arrived.
I should have left when you got there.
Made an excuse to leave.
But I stayed, wanting to speak with you again like we use to.
Felt an ache that I hadn’t felt in a long time.
Lightning stretched itself across the left side of my ribcage when you left.
And then all the pressure I felt faded away.
Just as you did.